


He Broke

by Copper_Viper



Series: You Will Be Found [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 09:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10659444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Copper_Viper/pseuds/Copper_Viper





	He Broke

     He broke. All those months of lying, trying to save himself from one little accident that had spiraled out of control had come crashing down.

            He found himself racing home, for once not caring who saw him for who he truly was.

            _I didn’t, I didn’t mean… We, but we weren’t, it was his letter, I just…_

            He threw open the door to his house, rushing to his room, all the while doing nothing more than over-thinking.

            “What if I just died? People would know, but I’d be out of this mess, no more dealing with anything, no more trying to pretend.”

            Even sat on his bed, pushing his face into his hands, letting the sobs course through his body.

            _So many lies, and here it is, crashing down, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t._

            He lets himself sit there for half an hour, an hour, two hours, trying to get himself to calm down. But there is no calming down, not this time.

            _The pills, I-I can overdose on those, and then…_ _But what if I fail? The freak who couldn’t kill himself, the freak who will need to be sent away, and th-then e-everyone will know. And what if it’s just a long string of attempts and failures, a-and I can never follow through with it?_

            He pulled himself up into a more upright position, wiping away those last few stray tears, looking over to that wooden box, the one containing what could have been his saving grace.

            _“Let’s be honest, when was the last time you took your meds? Do you really think it was a good idea to go that long without them? You only knew it was a matter of time.”_

            “I know Connor, but it just…”

            _“And now look at where you are, sniveling on your bed, like the little fuck-up you always have been. And you can’t get rid of me.”_

            Evan closed his eyes, trying so desperately to get rid of thought of Connor. He dug his palms into his eyes, rubbing them until there were silver dots dancing across his blackened vision.

            But Connor was right, the two were so far entwined and entangled there really was no way to get rid of him.

            _“But Evan, you know the way you can get rid of me, and it’s sitting there, in that little wooden box. Just open it up, take the pills, and let your worries drift away.”_

            “B-but I can’t, my mom, she’ll… be home soon, and I, I can’t just… let her find me here, d-dead.”

            _“And see, this is where you always end up. You know you want to die, Evan, you’ve already admitted that. And you know you’re a fuck up to everyone, so why not just be a fuck up one more time? It’ll be so easy, just swallow, that’s all there is to it.”_

            He started to reach for the box, managing to flip the lid before he heard the front door open, a tired voice calling out, “Evan!”

            _“But hey, she’ll be gone in a few hours, and once she’s gone Evan, you’ll just have to follow through. You know that. Cause look, talking to yourself, debating death… Once you get to that point, it’s inevitable.”_

            He closed the lid on the box, dragging himself to where his mother was. “Hey mom,” comes out in a tired, defeated tone.

            “Evan, what’s the matter?” He knew there was concern weaved into her voice, written all over her face, and at that point he couldn’t.

            For the second time that day he broke down. He hated breaking down in front of his mom, to know that what she saw in him was true.

            And yet she took him in a hug, letting him feel comfort for the first time in a long time.

            “You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”

            _“Just tell her what really happened last summer, Evan, you’re already fucked, so you can’t get any more fucked!”_

            “Mom, l-last summer… I-I was, I just…”

            Heidi pulled him to the couch, still keeping her son close.

            Evan made the mistake of looking up, seeing the tears starting to form in her eyes.

            “Y-you’ve already g-guessed, r-right?”

            “I’m just glad you’re still here with me, Evan.”

            They continued holding each other, the years of built up sorrow and pain and heartache being let out. All good things must come to an end, however.

            “Evan, I need to go now for my next shift. If you feel anything, please call me, and I will come home. Just, please don’t do anything, okay?”

            _“Ha, what a load of bull. Remember the last time you promised something, Evan, and see how well that turned out for you?”_

            “I-I will.”

            “Good.” She ruffled his hair before getting off the couch, stopping just before the door. “Evan, please, call.” And like that she left, leaving her son to fend for himself, to deal with his thoughts.

            _“You wish she could have stayed, but nope. Work is more important. DO you really think she would have left if she cared at all that her son just told her about his suicide attempt?”_

            He curled up on the couch, trying to make himself as small as possible.

            _“Parents, they always saw they’re there for you, but are they ever really? You think she would have picked up on what you attempted, what you thought by now, but now. The pills are waiting for you, Evan, you’ve already said your goodbyes. Now just get on with it.”_

            He could have gone back to his room, washed down however many pills were still in the bottle, but he instead pulled out his phone.

            Under normal circumstances he wouldn’t have called anyone, but this was far beyond any normal circumstances.

            He didn’t give Jared any time to speak, he just went, “Look Jared I know you’re still mad at me and all but didn’t you say something to someone else today about how your parents weren’t going to be home tonight and I was wondering if maybe you’d want to drink because I remember a while ago you said that your parent’s liquor cabinet was fairly stocked up.”

            “I have no idea what’s gotten into you. And yeah, I’m still beyond pissed, but it’s Friday, and you’ve been the cause of all my issues, so sure, come over.” There was a certain amount of sarcasm to his voice, and Evan hated it.

He could feel himself trembling, trying to figure out if Jared was being sincere or not. _Are you joking or not Jared I need to know please please tell me I can’t tell I’m starting to panic Jared please._

“If this is another of your ‘I think I’m speaking but I’m actually not’ things, then here’s the voice of reason to tell you you’re really just starting to hyperventilate. Noe please, get your as over here before I change my mind.” Jared hung up, leaving Evan to bring himself out of the beginning of a panic attack.

_“Alcohol? You know what pairs really well with that? Pills.”_

“Shut up!” He screamed that into an empty house, but who was he yelling at? It was himself, and he knew that. But Connor was right.

He went to his room, grabbed the pill bottle, and stuffed it in his pockets.

_“See, now you’re doing one thing right.”_

 

 

In usual Jared fashion, he was already buzzed when he answered the door.

“Evan! Buddy! Pal!” came from Jared’s mouth as he slung his arm around the other’s shoulders, ushering him inside.

“H-hey Jared,” was Evan’s response. He didn’t want to be touched, but buzzed Jared was touchy beyond belief and he had learned long ago to try and not pry himself away.

Jared led him over to the cabinet, grabbing a bottle of vodka he had evidently already started.

“Because of all the shit you’ve put me through, we’re having the strong stuff tonight.”

Evan hated vodka; he hated the taste, the smell, and how quickly it always got Jared wasted. Yet he watched as his friend downed some, whooping as it seared his throat.

“Can’t be the only one drinking tonight, take it,” and Jared shoved the bottle in Evan’s hands, nearly dropping it before Evan could grab a hold of it.

Evan held the bottle, wondering if it was really the right thing to do.

_“You’ve been waiting since July, just fucking do it already!”_

He let that first bit of vodka pour down his throat, trying not to gag at its taste.

“Yes, finally, go Evan!” Evidently, the vodka was getting to Jared.

Evan couldn’t care less at that point; this was where his sorrows would end. He kept drinking, trying to avoid the bile rising in his throat, counting down the minutes until he’d be truly drunk.

By now, Jared was well wasted, and he reached for the bottle Evan was holding. He let him have it, not caring as he heard the sound of the bottle crashing to the floor seconds after he’d turned around.

He dug for the pill bottle, already starting to loose coordination. Opening it was a process, and he started mildly panicking, thinking he wouldn’t be able to open it. The bottle was wrestled open after a few minutes of struggling, and he started.

One pill turned into two into three, until gradually the bottle was empty. He let it fall to the ground; the little orange bottle that had been his life for the past year, now, in conjunction with the alcohol, to be his killer.

_“Fucking finally, thought you’d be too scared to do it.”_

Evan laughed at the absurdity of it all. Connor signing his cast, Connor finding his note, Connor’s suicide, Connor’s parents, The Connor Project, dating Connor’s sister. Connor, Connor, everything was about him.

_“For once people will care about you.”_

 


End file.
